Boundaries at Work that Work

One of the books that I most often recommend to clients is Nedra Glover Tawwab’s New York Times Best Seller, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. Why would a book on boundaries be at the top of my recommended book list for lawyers and judges? Because most everything we do in our profession—especially if we want to do it well—comes down to setting and holding healthy boundaries. Tawwab, a Charlotte-based therapist with 2.5 million social media followers, wrote "Set Boundaries” after an Instagram post she wrote, entitled “Signs That You Need Boundaries” went viral. In the introduction to her book, Tawwab shares an illuminating insight about therapy: “People don’t come to therapy knowing they have boundary issues. When they walk in the door, boundary issues are disguised as issues with self-care, conflicts with other people, trouble with time management, or concerns about how social media impacts their emotional state.” Reading this, I reflected not only on the challenges my coaching and consulting clients bring, but also on the places I get stuck in my own life. Tawwab makes an astute point: at the root of many presenting problems, the path forward often lies in learning to set and hold healthier boundaries. Isn’t this also why clients often turn to lawyers? We help define, protect, and uphold boundaries in the legal realm.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits we set to protect ourselves and what we value. They are the parameters that define what is a “yes” and what is a “no.” “Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others,” Tawwab articulates. We set boundaries with ourselves and others all day long whether we are conscious of it or not. Common areas where we set boundaries include:

● Time: when and how we are available

● Work/Life: how time is divided among work, family, friends, and obligations

● Energy: protecting mental, emotional, and physical capacity

● Workload: how much responsibility we take on

● Communication: what topics are acceptable to discuss

● Personal Space: comfort with closeness, privacy, and physical touch

● Emotional Sharing: what personal information we disclose, and with whom

● Responsibilities: what we agree to or expect others to carry

● Technology Use: screen time for work and personal life

● Self-Care: time reserved for rest, health, hobbies, and restoration

As attorneys, boundaries are woven into nearly every aspect of our work—from protocols and client contracts to the way we communicate with clients and colleagues. They are often at the heart of the very matters we litigate, and the reason clients turn to us for advocacy. Clear, well-defined boundaries not only support the efficient functioning of our practices, but also help clients feel informed, confident, and certain about what to expect.

Porous, Rigid, or Healthy?

Tawwab suggests three separate categories of boundaries: porous, rigid, and healthy. Think about a spectrum with too porous on one end, too rigid on the other end, and healthy in between.

Porous Boundaries

Porous boundaries are overly loose, inconsistent, or unclear. They often show up as:

● Saying “yes” when wanting to say “no”

● Oversharing information

● Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings or outcomes

● Absorbing others’ stress or pain

● People pleasing at the cost of one’s own needs

In legal practice: porous boundaries often lead to overextending, taking on clients’ emotional distress as one’s own, or permitting clients', colleagues’ or judges’ expectations to override personal limits. For those with porous professional boundaries, there is a risk of feeling resentful, exhausted, or burned out.

Rigid Boundaries

Rigid boundaries, by contrast, are overly strict or inflexible. They often show up as:

● Saying “no” when it may be more appropriate or enjoyable to say “yes”

● Keeping people at a distance, even when closeness is appropriate or desired

● Not taking responsibility for one’s impact on others

● Disengaging rather than working through challenges

● Being closed off to help or support

In legal practice: rigid boundaries can look like emotional detachment from clients or colleagues, difficulty collaborating, or refusing to seek mentorship or feedback. Over time, rigid professional boundaries can create isolation, interpersonal conflict, stalemates, and burnout.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries represent a balanced middle ground. Healthy boundaries set clear limits that protect energy, values, and integrity while allowing professional engagement and human connection.

Healthy boundaries look like:

● Considering options and saying “yes” or “no” with clarity

● Feeling comfortable changing one’s mind

● Sharing information in a way that’s appropriate to the context

● Taking responsibility for one’s own feelings while allowing others to own theirs

● Communicating needs directly, even when it risks conflict

● Fostering connection without compromising self-respect

In legal practice: healthy boundaries enable presence and professionalism without becoming enmeshed in clients’ matters. These boundaries bring balanced workload with capacity and satisfaction in work. Healthy boundaries promote professionalism, lead to effective case resolution, and foster the resilience and enjoyment needed for professional longevity.

Boundaries in the Legal Profession

Let’s look at how this plays out in law practice. As you review the examples, notice which type of boundary (porous, rigid, or healthy) feels most familiar to you.

Client Communication

● Porous: “I answer client calls, texts, and emails outside of business hours. I feel anxious if someone needs me and can’t immediately reach me.”

● Rigid: “I refuse to respond to clients outside my office hours. I feel irritated when colleagues contact me after business hours.”

● Healthy: “I return messages within a set timeframe and communicate that policy clearly to clients. If I have a trial or meeting, I may vary the times. I feel clear about this boundary and capable of holding it.”

Work Hours

● Porous: “I often work late into the night and through weekends. I do what it takes to get the job done, no matter the toll it takes on me. I feel like I’m always on.”

● Rigid: “I work strictly 9 to 5 and never adjust, even if it leaves others in the lurch or might negatively impact a case. I feel inflexible and on guard.”

● Healthy: “I protect my evenings and weekends for personal time but adjust when necessary. I feel refreshed when I go to work in the morning and excited about spending time with my loved ones at the end of the day.”

Billing Transparency

● Porous: “I discount my time or don’t record certain hours to avoid client complaints. I feel resentful of my clients and try to avoid conflict.”

● Rigid: “I expect clients to accept my invoices as they are. I feel agitated if someone questions their invoice.”

● Healthy: “I provide clear, detailed invoices and explain charges if asked, while standing by the value of my work. If a client indicates a problem with an invoice, I feel comfortable taking a second look to see if I made a mistake.”

Vacation

● Porous: “I take my laptop on every vacation and answer emails from clients and colleagues. I feel stressed about missing work emails.”

● Rigid: “I disconnect completely on vacation and won’t respond even if something urgent arises. I feel annoyed if anything work-related arises.”

● Healthy: “I plan time off in advance, set coverage for urgent matters, and step away to recharge. I feel energized for my vacation knowing there is a clear communication protocol if an emergency arises.”

Deadlines

● Porous: “I rush to meet every deadline, whether real or self-imposed, no matter the cost to my time or energy. I feel rushed and scrambled all day.”

● Rigid: “I stick to deadlines rigidly and refuse to adjust, even when circumstances call for flexibility. I feel tense whenever I have a deadline.”

● Healthy: “I set realistic deadlines, plan my work around them, and communicate proactively if changes are needed. I feel mobilized during the work day and enjoy having time to unwind at night.”

Client Expectations about Case Outcomes

● Porous: “I assure clients I can get them the outcome they want, even when I can’t guarantee it. I ruminate about delivering on my promises.”

● Rigid: “I give minimal information and avoid discussing possible outcomes to reduce pressure. I feel worried about having enough work because I often lose clients after the first consultation.”

● Healthy: “I’m transparent about potential outcomes in client matters; I’m clear about what is within my control and what is not. I feel at ease when helping clients map a realistic course.”

Managing Conflict Between Staff

● Porous: “I step in to resolve every disagreement, over-investing time and energy in minor conflicts. I feel drained by these interactions.”

● Rigid: “I ignore conflicts, letting tension fester without intervention or guidance. I feel incapable of resolving interpersonal conflicts and disappointed when people quit.”

● Healthy: “I address conflicts promptly, facilitate communication, and set clear expectations for respectful collaboration. I feel curious about how to find adaptive strategies and confident I have the skills to do so.”

Delegating Tasks

● Porous: “I give unclear instructions when I assign a task. I often take back tasks if the delegate has questions or complaints. I feel confused about how to get the help I need.”

● Rigid: “I find it difficult to delegate any meaningful tasks. I either keep all responsibility to myself or hold too high of expectations for others. I feel frustrated that I have to do everything myself.”

● Healthy: “I assign tasks with clear instructions and deadlines and provide support as needed. I allow staff to complete work independently while monitoring outcomes. I enjoy coming up with creative solutions to managing people and projects.”

Well-Being

● Porous: “I overeffort and push myself to keep working no matter what. I feel exhausted and burned out.”

● Rigid: “I underperform and avoid challenging cases or high-stress clients to protect myself. I feel dispassionate about what I do.”

● Healthy: “I value getting rest, having downtime, and taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel effective and resilient in my work.”

Know When to Hold ‘Em

Boundaries are not a “set it and forget it” matter. They require awareness and the willingness to adjust as circumstances and people change. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries involves tolerating discomfort, whether from others’ frustration, persistence, or differing expectations. Ongoing introspection plays a central role in knowing when to hold a boundary or when to adjust. We can check in with ourselves regularly to notice when boundaries feel porous or rigid and make adjustments accordingly.

Somatic awareness is a quick and effective way to guide the process of setting and holding healthy boundaries. For example, constriction in the stomach, shoulders, or jaw signals discomfort and may indicate a boundary that is too porous or too rigid or that a healthy boundary has been broken. Alternatively, ease in the body, which could include relaxed breathing and open hands, often indicates alignment with our limits. Awareness of these bodily signals enables us to respond deliberately, safeguarding both limits and our well-being.

Hope for a Better Boundaried Future

Speaking of boundaries, I have reached my word count! In closing, I offer encouragement about tuning into and adjusting your boundary habits. Remarkably, our brains are neuroplastic, meaning we can learn new behaviors and form healthier habits. You may find that you have healthy boundaries in some areas, and either rigid or porous in other areas. If you relate to either of the unhealthy boundary categories in the examples above, take heart as transformation is achievable. If you notice constriction or discomfort during your day, pause and check whether a boundary needs attention. Small, intentional steps—shifting away from extremes toward center—can gradually strengthen your boundaries and support both your professional effectiveness and personal resilience. If you are curious about learning more about the complex world of boundaries, delve into Tewwab’s book and perhaps, as she suggests, “Stop thinking about boundaries as mean or wrong; start to believe that they’re a nonnegotiable part of healthy relationships, as well as self-care and wellness practice.” Experiment with healthy boundaries and let me know how it goes! 

Laura Mahr is a North Carolina and Oregon lawyer and the founder of Conscious Legal Minds LLC, providing well-being consulting, training, and resilience coaching for attorneys and law offices nationwide. Through the lens of neurobiology, Laura helps build strong leaders, happy lawyers, and effective teams. After bringing herself back from the brink of burnout with the tools she now teaches, Laura brings lived experience and compassion to thousands of lawyers, judges, and support staff each year in her writing, coaching, and CLE trainings. Her work is informed by 13 years of practice as a civil sexual assault attorney, 30 years as a teacher and student of mindfulness and yoga, and ten years studying neurobiology and neuropsychology with clinical pioneers. If you would like help setting healthy boundaries for yourself or your legal team, contact Laura at consciouslegalminds.com.